Polynesian drink with psychoactive effects / TUE 12-17-24 / Siberian herding dog / Self-care company founded by Gwyneth Paltrow / Snide comment about a collectible figurine? / ___ Drogo, "Game of Thrones" role for Jason Momoa / Pharmacy product that's commonly chocolate-flavored / Kerfuffle over beach footwear? / Leftmost image in the iconic illustration "The March of Progress"

The March of Progress, originally titled The Road to Homo Sapiens, is an illustration that presents 25 million years of human evolution. It was created for the Early Man volume of the Life Nature Library, published in 1965, and drawn by the artist Rudolph Zallinger. It has been widely parodied and imitated to create images of progress of other kinds.

Short write-up today (he said, hopefully), not because of any time pressures on my end, but because I don't think there's much to say about this, except that it's depressingly bland. Overly simple and quaint in a way that might've passed for entertaining some last century, but that feels bland and a little corny now. The old-fashionedness of the theme is echoed in the fill, which can barely be bothered to do anything but sit there, taking up space. One of the blandest grids I've seen in a long time, absolute chock full of short answers. Nothing but 4s as far as the eye can see. And you just can't do much with 4s. Yes, there are 3s and 5s as well, but does that really change the point I'm making here. It does not. If anything, it reinforces it. You've got a remarkably stale and listless grid, with no answers (nothing, zip, zero) over seven letters long outside the themers, and only two sevens—everything else is six or shorter. And one of those sevens is wasted on ALKALIS? This grid really needed a clean, entertaining, bouncy, original grid to make up for the soft groaniness of the under-wacky themers, but it does not rise to the challenge. Not even close. That SAMOYED is doing a lot of work today, as he is the only answer in the grid really doing his part to keep people happy and entertained. Good boy. Give that dog a T-BONE.

With the puzzle practically all fours, that means you get a lot of four-letter names, one of which was the only thing in the grid to slow me down today. I remain a Game of Thrones non-watcher, so KHAL was unknown or forgotten by me today (18D: ___ Drogo, "Game of Thrones" role for Jason Momoa). Have I seen it in the grid before? Really seems like the kind of name someone would've forced on the grid a long time ago. New 4s are hard to come by. Yep, it's been (almost) exactly one year since KHAL's debut (and only other appearance). I had KHA- and of course wanted KHAN but decided (wisely) to wait for the crosses. Whereas AMAL I knew and IGOR I knew and LARA I knew (though I never saw the clue, so easily did all the answers fill themselves in down there). This puzzle is actually fairly light on names, which is one thing to its credit. I just wish there were more credits. Mostly this puzzle just BAAED (a herd of indistinguishable answers all making the same sad noise ... and then a SAMOYED trying to keep the herd in line; honestly, that dog should really be getting overtime). 

Assorted points of interest:

• 10A: Polynesian drink with psychoactive effects (KAVA) — CAVA ("[Drink similar to champagne]") was my Word of the Day just four days ago. I had never heard of CAVA, but I had heard of KAVA, which is the drink we get today. With today's appearance, KAVA pulls ahead of CAVA in the Race for -AVA Beverage Crossword Supremacy. Except most of those CAVAs are "Vena CAVA"s. And JAVA is probably more popular than either of these -AVAs. Oh yeah, fifty appearances in the Modern Era, as opposed to just eleven for KAVA and ten for CAVA. Mario BAVA directed Blood and Black Lace. Gregory NAVA directed El Norte. This is how I'm entertaining myself today, imagining the -AVA canon.

• 33A: It's "a good walk spoiled," per Mark Twain (GOLF) — this line is about the only thing in the puzzle (besides SAMOYED) that I enjoyed. 
• 44A: Planet whose name makes middle schoolers laugh (URANUS) — don't put this on middle-schoolers. Grown-ass adults (including the people responsible for this clue) can't deal with this planet's name straight-faced either.
• 33D: Self-care company founded by Gwyneth Paltrow (GOOP) — all pseudoscience purveyors seem evil to me right now, so this answer: unwelcome. Also, RFK, Jr. is a moron and a psychopath.
• 54D: Pharmacy product that's commonly chocolate-flavored (EXLAX) — were the "X"s worth it? (they were not). I understand wanting to zazz up this grid a little, but there has to be a better way. A cleaner way. An ... easier way to go. I wanted this grid to go places, but the toilet was not one of them. Weird that you can put EXLAX in the grid but not ENEMA (famously). I just saw ENEMA, actually, in a cryptic crossword I was solving, and thought "wow, rules are really different here." I'm all for loosening the "Breakfast Test" rule, but I would only resort to poop-oriented fill if I *had to* (and you absolutely don't have to today—EXLAX isn't there in support of other good fill, it's just ... there)

• 64D: "A little ___'ll do ya!" (Brylcreem slogan) ("DAB") — DAB'LL (5) has appeared in the NYTXW exactly once. An absurd but courageous short answer. I admire it. This puzzle could use something so bold. DAB, eh, it's fine. But DAB'LL, that'll grab(ble) ya! BRYLCREEM has also appeared in the NYTXW exactly once, in a (vintage) Lynn Lempel Tuesday puzzle back in '09. If you want to see what a Tuesday theme can be, go look at that puzzle (also, check out the comments section, where the first four comments are "I disagree with Rex,""I agree with Rex,""I disagree with Rex,""I agree with Rex" ... as I say, vintage!

[Thanks, Leroy]

Fiona says her nose is plenty bright, tell that Rudolph guy he's fired and let's go!

[Thanks, Matt]

Lola will dutifully pose for your Christmas card photo, but you should know that her treat rate has doubled this year. She's good at what she does and she knows it, pay her. 

[Thanks, Mimi]

Astrolabe says "I too pose good. Treats when?"

[Thanks, Rebecca]

Chai isn't even here, you didn't see anything, go back to your nog, human

[Thanks, Mark]

Finally, Mr. Bumble has an important message for you all

[Thanks, Daniel]

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld

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