Classic Sichuan dish made with bean curd / TUE 12-3-24 / Hammer's home / Chess rating system / Fictional burrito on "Parks and Recreation" that "literally killed a guy last year" / ___ Suárez, former prime minister who lends his name to Spain's largest airport / Amount of time for Kate Hudson to "Lose a Guy," in a 2003 film / Place to store cocktail-making equipment / Venetian magistrate of old

Theme answers:

• MOOSE TRACKS (17A: Vanilla ice cream with peanut butter cups and fudge)
• MAPO TOFU (25A: Classic Sichuan dish made with bean curd)
• MINI-TWIX (48A: Bite-size Mars candy, familiarly)
• MEAT TORNADO (56A: Fictional burrito on "Parks and Recreation" that "literally killed a guy last year")

Word of the Day: MAPO TOFU (25A) —

Mapo tofu (Chinese: 麻婆豆腐; pinyin: mápó dòufu) is a popular Chinese dish from Sichuan province. It consists of tofu set in a spicy sauce, typically a thin, oily, and bright red suspension, based on douban (fermented broad bean and chili paste), and douchi (fermented black beans), along with minced meat, traditionally beef.^[2] Variations exist with other ingredients such as water chestnuts, onions, other vegetables, or wood ear fungus. One account indicates that the dish existed as early as 1254, in a suburb of Chengdu, the capital city of Sichuan. Other accounts indicate it originated at a Chengdu restaurant in the 1860s. (wikipedia)

Quick write-up today, as I have to get ready not only to teach (normal) but to leave town for a few days—going straight from work to the airport. So I gotta double- and triple-check that I've done everything I need to do before I leave. First thing I need to do before I leave: write about this puzzle. So, look, it's weird as hell, and I can't help but have some admiration for a puzzle that just ... gets freaky with it. The concept itself isn't freaky (just turning "empty" into a pun and then coming up with answers to fit the pun), but the execution of that concept, dear lord. I would call only one of those four theme answers "food." True, the puzzle is not claiming the answers are "food," just that they have CALORIES, which I guess is indisputable, but still, all the answers except MAPO TOFU (the best thing in the grid today) feel like a stretch. A ssssttttrrrreeeettttcccchhh. I'm familiar with the ice cream flavor MOOSE TRACKS (why you'd call attention to the resemblance between your product and moose droppings, I never understood). I will take your word for it that there's such a thing as MINI-TWIX (there's probably "mini-" every candy), and MEAT TORNADO ... now this, this is an answer you write down as a joke when you're first conceiving your theme. Possibly while drunk. It makes you and your friends laugh, maybe, but you know it isn't really valid for a mainstream puzzle. I watched this show when it first aired—not sure I made it all the way through, but I got close—and I have no memory of the MEAT TORNADO. 

Now MEAT TORNADO wasn't hard to get (crosses are fair), and it's inherently funny, even if you have never seen Parks & Rec, but the theme feels way over its skis here. Now again, as I say, "over its skis" is at least interesting, and I'll take interesting over boring any day. Certainly this is way more interesting than yesterday's ho-hummer. It's like watching that spectacular ski-jump crash at the beginning of the old Wide World of Sports broadcasts—it hurts to watch, but it's also fascinating in its chaos. Still, only one of the four themers is an actual ordinary food (the tofu), only two are things I even recognize (the tofu, the ice cream), and only two actually feature what you'd call EMPTY CALORIES (the ice cream, the candy), so ... uneven, that's what I'd call this theme. CHOPPY, maybe. Messy. Staring at the finished grid feels like I'm looking at the aftermath of a food fight. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.

Thing don't get less chaotic in the fill, that's for sure. And here, I'm more comfortable saying things don't exactly work. I gave up hope very early on, in the upper middle of the grid, which is the toxic core from which all bad things radiate today. ANONO maybe the worst thing I've ever seen in a grid. Any grid, anywhere. It's ... a partial ... of a thing no one says? Eleven years since it showed up in a grid (third appearance overall in the Shortz/Fagliano era). Every clue for "A NO-NO" begins with that same partial quote ("That's ___"), though the parenthetical that follows is slightly different every time ("'Don't!,'""'Don't do it!,'""forbidden,""not allowed"). Back in '04 the parenthetical was "(cautionary Roy Orbison song)," which at least locates the phrase "That's A NO-NO" in ... something. Some actual usage. But man is that rough fill. The kind you would (and should) absolutely tear down your grid in order to avoid. And the surrounding fill doesn't help. It crosses yet another partial (ON A), and then the dubious INK UP, which is OK on its own, I guess, but by the time I got there, there was already an "UP" answer in the grid ... and I hadn't come very far. I just started the puzzle, and already, two "UP"s (SET-UP, INK UP). It's possible this minor doubling would've become a distant memory. But then. Then. Another "UP" (PONY UP). And then, as if to show me that it knew what it was doing and didn't care, the puzzle gave me a fourth (?) "UP" (DIAL-UP). Does seeming self-awareness negate the awfulness of a triple repeat? Not for me, it doesn't. 

TEN DAYS is a ridiculous answer (18D: Amount of time for Kate Hudson to "Lose a Guy," in a 2003 film). An arbitrary amount of time. It's like this puzzle couldn't exist at all without very narrow pop cultural references propping it up. And how big is your house that you have not just a TOOL BOX / KIT / SET but an entire TOOL ROOM (!?) (3D: Hammer's home). Our house didn't come with one of those. I actually tried TOOL BELT there. TOOL SHED is way more recognizable to me as a phrase than TOOL ROOM. Also, no idea who this ADOLFO prime minister / airport guy is (12D: ___ Suárez, former prime minister who lends his name to Spain's largest airport). Doesn't seem like early-week material. I just inferred his name from crosses. So the upper half of this grid was kind of a wreck (not to be confused with WREAK, which I definitely confuse with "wreck" all the time). And yet the grid does have some highlights. MIRAMAX sitting dead center is kind of snazzy (25D: "Pulp Fiction" studio). A BARCART is always welcome in my grid (or home, or general vicinity) (53A: Place to store cocktail-making equipment). I like the phrase PONY UP, and it's hard (for me) not to love an ELEPHANT. So basically it's "fascinating mess" as far as the eye can see today. I ... did not hate it.

Bullets:

• 32D: Actor who plays Lieutenant Sulu in the rebooted "Star Trek" films (JOHN CHO)— the portrayer of Sulu is JOHN CHO; the director of Wicked is Jon Chu. This has been your Pop Culture Name lesson for today. (The director is typically credited JON M CHU, if that helps)
• 26A: What the "Mona Lisa" is painted on (WOOD) — sincerely did not know this. 
• 37D: Animal that is unable to fly with its ears, regrettably (ELEPHANT) — not a fan of this cutesy cluing. I do not regret that elephants can't fly. I think this is probably a net plus. If you've seen Wicked, you know what happens when monkeys develop the ability to fly. And they don't even weigh that much.
• 2D: Chess rating system (ELO) — if I made a puzzle with ELO in it, I would demand that the editors could not change the clue to [Chess rating system]. Why go with an awful, culturally narrow, actively unentertaining option on your ELO clue when you have the entire amazing ELO discography at your service. Imagine going [Chess rating system] when you could be serving solvers "Mr. Blue Sky" or "Xanadu" or "Do Ya" etc. etc. etc. Inconceivable.

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld

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